Standing at the kitchen sink, hands in soapy warm water, looking out to my green lush hedge that grows up the backyard wall, blocking the outside world, I felt a sudden surge of joy. I felt it well up inside of me. Joy wants to fill us from the toes up to the scalp and it calls up to the heights as if it wants us to go up to the heavens with it. And the ecstactic feeling that comes...it's what makes life worth living.
So why don't I let it take me up to the heavens? Every time I feel this feeling I also feel a tension. A pull from me that wants to protect myself from traveling to the heights of heaven. If I go there, I will be fully and wholly unguarded. And then what if...
The fear is that I'll be soaring these heights of joy and then be stricken by some sudden catastrophe...some sort of disaster...even just the slightest reminder of humanness or the fallenness of this spinning sphere. And if you are unguarded...then what?
Suddenly that ecstatic feeling seems to mellow...your feet back on the earth of reality...and you've missed the moment to soar the heavens.
Why do I do this? It's as if I believe if I keep my fists up...keep my guard...remember that life isn't this soaring, this bubbling of pure happiness and peace...that I'll be better able to fight the disaster when it inevitably comes. But what I am really doing is picking up my favorite weapons, fear and dread, and trying to take them along with me on my joy-ride...in hopes that I can enjoy the ride, yet have the weapons if I need them. Unfortunately, these weapons are too heavy to make the flight...so they pin my feet to the ground...my joy then is pinned. And haven't I learned by now that these two...fear and dread...are terrible weapons...they don't fight my enemy. In fact they ravage me.
Maybe the real secret is giving in to the joy. Letting it take us to the heights, letting it fill us to the pont of pouring out in love and peace..fountains on the whole world... as we soar over all creation.
Maybe joy is the weapon.
I know that darkness comes...always...for a time. I know that there is real pain..especially for me, in this life, this crucified with Christ life, this life that no longer lives but gives reign to Christ living in me. Jesus promised we'd have it...pain...suffering...darkness. But maybe...in those times of joy...real joy...joy from Him...joy that comes not from doing good, thinking good, acting good, talking good...but joy that comes from Him. Joy that comes because I've spent days, weeks, months, calling Him to come and fill, come and heal, come and live in me.
Maybe this joy, when it comes, is not only the blessing, the ecstacy, but is also the weapon, the strength...that can face that dreaded darkness. I am learning the He is the peace...maybe He's the joy too. Maybe all this calling to Jesus has resulted in Him coming...He is calling me to flight.
I am timid to give in to it...give in to Him. I've made a mastery of packing fear and dread in my backpack when joy wants to take me high. It's hard to change the habit. Maybe that's the next thing to ask Jesus. Help me to give in to the joy...give in to Him...let Him take me high...to lay down the false weapons...to let joy take me in flight...take me to the heavens...and not be pinned down. Yes, Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Monday, July 9, 2012
Choose Life
There's a constant battle raging within each one of us. It's the battle of the mind and heart. My devotion this morning said something profound.
"Your mind shuttles back and forth, hither and yon, weaving webs of anxious confusion. As My thoughts rise up within you, they become entangled in those sticky webs of worry. Thus, my voice is muffled and you hear only 'white noise'. Ask My Spirit to quiet your mind so that you can think My thoughts." Sarah Young, Jesus Calling .
Think My thoughts? Wow! What a thought...we know that His ways and thoughts are higher than ours...can we actually think His thoughts? Amazingly, we have His Spirit in us...so it must be possible to think His thoughts.
But how? My thoughts are raging and so much louder than the sweet small voice of the Spirit.
A visiting teaching pastor, Jared, said yesterday that the living of this new creation is not a one time event...don't we wish it was?
When we invite Christ in, God's Word says that we instantly become a new creation...Barah!...the greek word for making something new. It conjurs up the image of a magician throwing his hands wide and declaring something done...BARAH...a new creation...an instant and forever change...the old is gone, the new has come.
But living this new creation isn't complete in this one amazing, miraculous action. And this is a hard one to wrap the mind around.
We are a new creation, but we are also becoming a new creation.
Ann Voskamp says, "Christianity is a lifetime of becoming who you really are."
And so the living of this new creation is a daily...step by step journey. Jared said, "...maybe not the first time you choose to encourage that co-worker that persecutes you and makes your life a living hell (not sure Jared said hell in church...my version of what he said), and maybe not the tenth or one thousandth time, but eventually your nature will become one who encourages." The same is true when you choose grace instead of retaliation, trust instead of fear, kindness instead of a sharp tongue. Eventually, those things become our natural response.
He quoted Cicero who said, "Virtue is what happens when wise and courageous behavior become second nature."
Then this morning, along with reading what Sarah Young wrote in today's devotion, I found this portion of scripture.
The Lord is speaking to the Israelites...they have been disobedient, fearful and not trusting...they find themselves in between the leadership of Moses and Joshua. And the Lord says this:
Deuteronomy 30: 19-20
"I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice and by holding fast to Him; for this is your life and the length of your days, that you may live in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraam, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them." (emphasis mine)
Choose life...by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice and by holding fast to Him.
This is the living of this new creation.
This is how we begin to silence our own raging thoughts...so that we may think His thoughts.
This is the practice of becoming who we already are.
And it's a daily choice.
"Choose life in order that you may live..."
"Your mind shuttles back and forth, hither and yon, weaving webs of anxious confusion. As My thoughts rise up within you, they become entangled in those sticky webs of worry. Thus, my voice is muffled and you hear only 'white noise'. Ask My Spirit to quiet your mind so that you can think My thoughts." Sarah Young, Jesus Calling .
Think My thoughts? Wow! What a thought...we know that His ways and thoughts are higher than ours...can we actually think His thoughts? Amazingly, we have His Spirit in us...so it must be possible to think His thoughts.
But how? My thoughts are raging and so much louder than the sweet small voice of the Spirit.
A visiting teaching pastor, Jared, said yesterday that the living of this new creation is not a one time event...don't we wish it was?
When we invite Christ in, God's Word says that we instantly become a new creation...Barah!...the greek word for making something new. It conjurs up the image of a magician throwing his hands wide and declaring something done...BARAH...a new creation...an instant and forever change...the old is gone, the new has come.
But living this new creation isn't complete in this one amazing, miraculous action. And this is a hard one to wrap the mind around.
We are a new creation, but we are also becoming a new creation.
Ann Voskamp says, "Christianity is a lifetime of becoming who you really are."
And so the living of this new creation is a daily...step by step journey. Jared said, "...maybe not the first time you choose to encourage that co-worker that persecutes you and makes your life a living hell (not sure Jared said hell in church...my version of what he said), and maybe not the tenth or one thousandth time, but eventually your nature will become one who encourages." The same is true when you choose grace instead of retaliation, trust instead of fear, kindness instead of a sharp tongue. Eventually, those things become our natural response.
He quoted Cicero who said, "Virtue is what happens when wise and courageous behavior become second nature."
Then this morning, along with reading what Sarah Young wrote in today's devotion, I found this portion of scripture.
The Lord is speaking to the Israelites...they have been disobedient, fearful and not trusting...they find themselves in between the leadership of Moses and Joshua. And the Lord says this:
Deuteronomy 30: 19-20
"I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice and by holding fast to Him; for this is your life and the length of your days, that you may live in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraam, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them." (emphasis mine)
Choose life...by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice and by holding fast to Him.
This is the living of this new creation.
This is how we begin to silence our own raging thoughts...so that we may think His thoughts.
This is the practice of becoming who we already are.
And it's a daily choice.
"Choose life in order that you may live..."
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Blessed are the Poor in Spirit
Chatting with my brother the other day, he shared something his life group had discussed. “Blessed are the Poor in Spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God.” The sermon on the mount starts with this very interesting assertion. It is the first big sermon of Jesus’ ministry…thousands have gathered, eager to hear what he has to say…and he starts with that.
Poor.
This year…God is making me poor in spirit. He’s yanking up fears and anxieties…long held
insecurities…tearing it out and laying it next to the stress, the mistakes, the
failures and…the worst of it all…the “what ifs” and “what does it means”. He’s forcing me to look at it all…over and
over until I reach my own poverty.
Mourn
Be gentle
Hunger and
thirst for righteousness
Be merciful
Have a pure
heart
Be a
peacemaker
Be the salt
of the earth
Be the light
of the world
And if you take many a misstep in any of those…stop being
those things…it all has to go back to the beginning…being poor.
He tells us that we’re blessed when we’re persecuted,
blessed when men cast insults because of Him…to consider it joy when life
sucks. But it doesn’t work unless we’re
poor in spirit.
But I think the poor in spirit part negates that. Reading those verses with poor in spirit says
this instead.
This life is brutal and you can’t do it. You won’t have the strength or the confidence, and most of the time it’s just a lot of hard work. But…rejoice…remember…hope…you have the kingdom of heaven which means I am with you, I will help you and I am making it all into a beautiful tapestry of glory.
Isn’t that what “theirs is the kingdom of heaven” means. God’’s kingdom at our fingertips, right by our side. Unfortunately we misunderstand what that means and how that feels. I don’t think it is supposed to feel that good…and certainly it doesn’t feel that comfortable. We’d much rather feel strong and confident, yet the kingdom of God…the power that raised Jesus from the dead…the grace that brings life from death…the hope that soothes the wounds…that belongs to the poor in spirit.
If I think about it, I am much more likely to have
patience with the little old man going 20 mph on the freeway in front of me, or
much more able to empathize with another’s pain, even shedding tears at the
sound of their pain, or much slower to anger when confronted with another’s
weakness and demands when I am at the end of rope.
When I am not…when I am confident, strong, ready to
conquer the world, I am much less patient, empathetic and quick to anger.
And I think when we are poor in spirit, somehow all the
burdens we carry start to fall from our shoulders. We know we can’t handle them, so lay them
down.
I
think it’s what Jesus really wants from us…more than joy, more than confidence,
more even than perfect assurance of our faith…He wants us poor…
at the end of
ourselves…
laid out before Him…
ready to let Him fill with all things good…
to have
the Kingdom of Heaven.
Friday, April 13, 2012
The Lord is my Light and my Salvation
This week kinda sucked.
I have been having some tummy issues lately and because I have a tendency to think anything different happening in my body must mean that I am dying of cancer and I've been told it's always good to be proactive in taking care of yourself, I decided to go to a gastroenterologist and have a colonoscopy.
"It's really not a big deal at all." I was told by many who have had this done before...after all 60+ year old women get them all the time...how bad could it be.
Well...let me tell you...it kinda sucked. I was pretty nervous the whole week before. And I was going to begin the colon preparation the day after Easter...so even then I didn't have much of an appetite.
If you've never had one, I don't want to scare you but here's what happened.
I began a liquid diet on Monday morning...nothing but juice, tea, soda...any clear liquid...no solid food. And at 6pm that night began drinking the colon prep stuff to clean out my colon. That's the worst part...so they say...but that part wasn't so bad. Then everything that is in your colon comes flushing out...lovely, I know. I also found out that day that I was scheduled to be the doctor's last colonoscopy of the day...1:00 pm on Tuesday. Yikes, I thought. I have to be fasting for that long?
On the morning of the procedure I drank one last dose of colon cleaning stuff...and expelled anything that could've possibly been hanging out in my colon. I was depleted to say the least.
Then I finally went to the hospital for the procedure. They checked me in, hooked me up to an IV and there I waited, in my little cubicle, for an hour and a half. I felt like a sheep waiting it's turn to be sheared. At one point, they even rolled me in and started hooking me up to oxygen, sprayed my throat with some awful numbing spray and started prepping me...only to find out they had to put me on hold again for a different patient who had to be completely sedated for his procedure and had an available anesthesiologist for only the next 30 minutes. Back they wheeled me into my stall.
I finally had my procedure done...wasn't too bad. Glory to God in the Highest... I have a clean colon and am not going to die of cancer...at least not this year.
The recovery is where the real fun began. I expected that I would bounce back pretty quickly, have my appetite back in no time and be up and taking my kids to the beach the next...finally enjoying our spring break. No such luck.
Without boring you with all the details after a day of continued diarrhea (sorry...that's probably the last detail you wanted to hear) and apparantly not drinking enough fluids...and having one of my biopsy sights start becoming infected...I found myself with a 100.1 degree temperature almost passing out in the shower, and back at the urgent care getting IV fluids and a perscription for an antibiotic.
I am sitting in bed today...three days after the procedure...feeling much better...but still slowing gaining my strength...slowly eating bland foods...and drowning myself in gatorade. Not a good time.
And if you know me well, you know...I am not good at this kind of stuff. Any kind of stomach issues...for me or my kids...puts me into anxiety mode. If one of my kids vomits...I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder for days.
So here's where the Lord comes in. I have had to...every moment of every day this week...utterly beg Him to show up. Show up with his peace and some really powerful healing. This week has been a moment by moment exercise of me handing over every fear...every what if...every stress of what the next 5 minutes...let alone the next hours and days...would have in store for me.
"What if I have to go to the hospital again?" "What if I just keep getting sicker and sicker?" "How's Craig gonna hold up under all this pressure of being nurse maid, stay at home dad, and homemaker...it's not his favorite role." "This would be the worst time ever for the kids to get sick." "What if I am still sick next week, when Craig goes back to school and I have to start homeschooling the kids again...their tests are coming up..." On and on the fears and thoughts rolled in.
It was a mental and emotional exercise that felt like running a marathon to continue handing the Lord every thought...every fear...every what if.
And He showed up...And He did what His word promises:
Psalm 31: 14 "But as for me, I trust in Thee, O Lord, (something I had to decide to do), I say 'Thou art my God.' My times are in Thy hand."
Psalm 30:2 "O Lord my God, I cried to Thee for help, and Thou didst heal me."
I read, in my devotional, "Jesus Calling", by Sarah Young the following words:
"You are mine for all time; nothing can separate you from My Love." "I designed you to depend on me moment by moment, recognizing that apart from Me you can do nothing." "Seek my face...although this is an invisible transaction, it speaks volumes in spiritual realms."
At one point yesterday...I was trying to just close my eyes and rest. Every thought or picture that entered my head...whether it was about me, my life, or even the latest events in the news...the Trayvon Martin killing...Anne Romney being dissed by a liberal talking head...I could find no peace. And every thought forced me to verbally calling on Jesus to come, take this burden, take this one too. I felt the Lord leading me to read Psalm 27 and here's what I found:
"The Lord is my Light and my Salvation; Whom shall I fear?" It was like balm on my heart and brought me to tears. I could physically feel my tummy loosen, and a wave of peace.
He is my Light. Every bit of darkness in me...and believe me there's a lot...can be infused, transformed, conquered by the presence of His light.
He is my Salvation. Not the doctors, not the IV fluids, not the antibiotic, not the right foods...but Him alone.
The lesson didn't stop there. The Lord is Craig's Light and Salvation...not me. I am not responsible for him, his happiness, his growth, anything about him...I am not His life...burden off my shoulders.
The Lord is Jake's Light and Salvation...not me. I am not the one who will grow him, mature him, fix what needs fixing, open doors for him, plan his future...the Lord does all that...another burden off my shoulders.
The Lord is Carly's Light and Salvation...not me. I am not the one who will mold her character, draw her closer to the Lord, map out her future...He is. Burden off my shoulders.
It's amazing the power of one little verse. A verse I have read nearly a hundred times. A verse I know by heart...yet in times of darkness, and fear, and an upset colon...it teaches a phenomenal truth.
He is my Light. I can call on his light to shine whenever a dark patch comes over me. His Light can bring healing, comfort, peace. He is the one who Saves. He holds me close when I am scared, He draws me to the comfort and the protection of the shadow of his wings.
I read some more:
"The Lord is the defense of my life; Whom (or what) shall I dread? When evil doers came upon me to devour my flesh (the enemy can try to use anything to devour us...even a colonoscopy and tough recovery), My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell. Though a host encamp against me (a host of thoughts, fears, nonsense coming out of the television), My heart will not fear (not that the fear doesn't come, but that I won't indulge it...I'll turn it completely...over and over to Him) Though war arise against me, In spite of this, I shall be confident." verses 2-3.
And how can I be confident? I drew and arrow from that sentence back up to the first sentence of verse one: "The Lord is my Light and my Salvation"
So that's it. That's the week I've had. I know I haven't conquered all of this in full...I am...even as I type...handing over the thoughts and fears, moment by moment still...but this I am sure of (and really that's all we can hold onto in times like this...what we're sure of and know is absolutely true and can never be taken away):
The Lord is my Light and my Salvation...whom shall I fear?
I have been having some tummy issues lately and because I have a tendency to think anything different happening in my body must mean that I am dying of cancer and I've been told it's always good to be proactive in taking care of yourself, I decided to go to a gastroenterologist and have a colonoscopy.
"It's really not a big deal at all." I was told by many who have had this done before...after all 60+ year old women get them all the time...how bad could it be.
Well...let me tell you...it kinda sucked. I was pretty nervous the whole week before. And I was going to begin the colon preparation the day after Easter...so even then I didn't have much of an appetite.
If you've never had one, I don't want to scare you but here's what happened.
I began a liquid diet on Monday morning...nothing but juice, tea, soda...any clear liquid...no solid food. And at 6pm that night began drinking the colon prep stuff to clean out my colon. That's the worst part...so they say...but that part wasn't so bad. Then everything that is in your colon comes flushing out...lovely, I know. I also found out that day that I was scheduled to be the doctor's last colonoscopy of the day...1:00 pm on Tuesday. Yikes, I thought. I have to be fasting for that long?
On the morning of the procedure I drank one last dose of colon cleaning stuff...and expelled anything that could've possibly been hanging out in my colon. I was depleted to say the least.
Then I finally went to the hospital for the procedure. They checked me in, hooked me up to an IV and there I waited, in my little cubicle, for an hour and a half. I felt like a sheep waiting it's turn to be sheared. At one point, they even rolled me in and started hooking me up to oxygen, sprayed my throat with some awful numbing spray and started prepping me...only to find out they had to put me on hold again for a different patient who had to be completely sedated for his procedure and had an available anesthesiologist for only the next 30 minutes. Back they wheeled me into my stall.
I finally had my procedure done...wasn't too bad. Glory to God in the Highest... I have a clean colon and am not going to die of cancer...at least not this year.
The recovery is where the real fun began. I expected that I would bounce back pretty quickly, have my appetite back in no time and be up and taking my kids to the beach the next...finally enjoying our spring break. No such luck.
Without boring you with all the details after a day of continued diarrhea (sorry...that's probably the last detail you wanted to hear) and apparantly not drinking enough fluids...and having one of my biopsy sights start becoming infected...I found myself with a 100.1 degree temperature almost passing out in the shower, and back at the urgent care getting IV fluids and a perscription for an antibiotic.
I am sitting in bed today...three days after the procedure...feeling much better...but still slowing gaining my strength...slowly eating bland foods...and drowning myself in gatorade. Not a good time.
And if you know me well, you know...I am not good at this kind of stuff. Any kind of stomach issues...for me or my kids...puts me into anxiety mode. If one of my kids vomits...I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder for days.
So here's where the Lord comes in. I have had to...every moment of every day this week...utterly beg Him to show up. Show up with his peace and some really powerful healing. This week has been a moment by moment exercise of me handing over every fear...every what if...every stress of what the next 5 minutes...let alone the next hours and days...would have in store for me.
"What if I have to go to the hospital again?" "What if I just keep getting sicker and sicker?" "How's Craig gonna hold up under all this pressure of being nurse maid, stay at home dad, and homemaker...it's not his favorite role." "This would be the worst time ever for the kids to get sick." "What if I am still sick next week, when Craig goes back to school and I have to start homeschooling the kids again...their tests are coming up..." On and on the fears and thoughts rolled in.
It was a mental and emotional exercise that felt like running a marathon to continue handing the Lord every thought...every fear...every what if.
And He showed up...And He did what His word promises:
Psalm 31: 14 "But as for me, I trust in Thee, O Lord, (something I had to decide to do), I say 'Thou art my God.' My times are in Thy hand."
Psalm 30:2 "O Lord my God, I cried to Thee for help, and Thou didst heal me."
I read, in my devotional, "Jesus Calling", by Sarah Young the following words:
"You are mine for all time; nothing can separate you from My Love." "I designed you to depend on me moment by moment, recognizing that apart from Me you can do nothing." "Seek my face...although this is an invisible transaction, it speaks volumes in spiritual realms."
At one point yesterday...I was trying to just close my eyes and rest. Every thought or picture that entered my head...whether it was about me, my life, or even the latest events in the news...the Trayvon Martin killing...Anne Romney being dissed by a liberal talking head...I could find no peace. And every thought forced me to verbally calling on Jesus to come, take this burden, take this one too. I felt the Lord leading me to read Psalm 27 and here's what I found:
"The Lord is my Light and my Salvation; Whom shall I fear?" It was like balm on my heart and brought me to tears. I could physically feel my tummy loosen, and a wave of peace.
He is my Light. Every bit of darkness in me...and believe me there's a lot...can be infused, transformed, conquered by the presence of His light.
He is my Salvation. Not the doctors, not the IV fluids, not the antibiotic, not the right foods...but Him alone.
The lesson didn't stop there. The Lord is Craig's Light and Salvation...not me. I am not responsible for him, his happiness, his growth, anything about him...I am not His life...burden off my shoulders.
The Lord is Jake's Light and Salvation...not me. I am not the one who will grow him, mature him, fix what needs fixing, open doors for him, plan his future...the Lord does all that...another burden off my shoulders.
The Lord is Carly's Light and Salvation...not me. I am not the one who will mold her character, draw her closer to the Lord, map out her future...He is. Burden off my shoulders.
It's amazing the power of one little verse. A verse I have read nearly a hundred times. A verse I know by heart...yet in times of darkness, and fear, and an upset colon...it teaches a phenomenal truth.
He is my Light. I can call on his light to shine whenever a dark patch comes over me. His Light can bring healing, comfort, peace. He is the one who Saves. He holds me close when I am scared, He draws me to the comfort and the protection of the shadow of his wings.
I read some more:
"The Lord is the defense of my life; Whom (or what) shall I dread? When evil doers came upon me to devour my flesh (the enemy can try to use anything to devour us...even a colonoscopy and tough recovery), My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell. Though a host encamp against me (a host of thoughts, fears, nonsense coming out of the television), My heart will not fear (not that the fear doesn't come, but that I won't indulge it...I'll turn it completely...over and over to Him) Though war arise against me, In spite of this, I shall be confident." verses 2-3.
And how can I be confident? I drew and arrow from that sentence back up to the first sentence of verse one: "The Lord is my Light and my Salvation"
So that's it. That's the week I've had. I know I haven't conquered all of this in full...I am...even as I type...handing over the thoughts and fears, moment by moment still...but this I am sure of (and really that's all we can hold onto in times like this...what we're sure of and know is absolutely true and can never be taken away):
The Lord is my Light and my Salvation...whom shall I fear?
Friday, March 30, 2012
Some thoughts on being a Christian
Alright....here it is:
Our Christian walk is not about us. It's not measured by how we feel...if we felt joy today then we walked closely with the Lord, if we were pissed and afraid, then we were far away from Him and not walking with Him. That's the heresy..plain and simple.
It's about loving others. It's about are we living the righteous path not because we are joyful and feel like it but because...what else are we gonna do...are we loving others and meeting them in their need with love and tenderness so that they can feel the hands of Jesus?
That's it.
It makes me think of how C.S. Lewis said, "I don't think God is particularly concerned with our happiness. What He really wants is for us to grow up! He wants us to love and be loved."
So if that's true, then He would never measure our closeness with Him based on our joy.
I do think that when we get to really dark places, we need to cling to Him...pursue Him...His word...others who will not try to fix but will bring us to His lap by just rubbing our head and saying, "Me too."...because while He uses those dark places...He would never want darkness to control us.
The discipline of going to Him when we're dark is where Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts" comes in...naming the gifts, slowing the moments, remembering who He is. But I think the biggest mistake that many Christians make is that she thinks trust and clinging to God looks like joy and feeling good.
In my life, the closest I ever felt to Him is when I am just plain desperate for Him...I can't eat enough of His word, cause it's the only way to get the darkness to back off...and I cry and pray and try to remind myself of who He is...but it aint fun and it sure aint what I would call joy. On the contrary, when I am light-hearted, feeling easy going...lots o stuff going well...that's when I may be farthest from Him.
Funny.
I think those lovely old women at CBS who greet me each week with a warm hug, though they've never met me, may know the secret balance of the Christian walk. Remembering it's not about them...it's about Him.
Our Christian walk is not about us. It's not measured by how we feel...if we felt joy today then we walked closely with the Lord, if we were pissed and afraid, then we were far away from Him and not walking with Him. That's the heresy..plain and simple.
It's about loving others. It's about are we living the righteous path not because we are joyful and feel like it but because...what else are we gonna do...are we loving others and meeting them in their need with love and tenderness so that they can feel the hands of Jesus?
That's it.
It makes me think of how C.S. Lewis said, "I don't think God is particularly concerned with our happiness. What He really wants is for us to grow up! He wants us to love and be loved."
So if that's true, then He would never measure our closeness with Him based on our joy.
I do think that when we get to really dark places, we need to cling to Him...pursue Him...His word...others who will not try to fix but will bring us to His lap by just rubbing our head and saying, "Me too."...because while He uses those dark places...He would never want darkness to control us.
The discipline of going to Him when we're dark is where Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts" comes in...naming the gifts, slowing the moments, remembering who He is. But I think the biggest mistake that many Christians make is that she thinks trust and clinging to God looks like joy and feeling good.
In my life, the closest I ever felt to Him is when I am just plain desperate for Him...I can't eat enough of His word, cause it's the only way to get the darkness to back off...and I cry and pray and try to remind myself of who He is...but it aint fun and it sure aint what I would call joy. On the contrary, when I am light-hearted, feeling easy going...lots o stuff going well...that's when I may be farthest from Him.
Funny.
I think those lovely old women at CBS who greet me each week with a warm hug, though they've never met me, may know the secret balance of the Christian walk. Remembering it's not about them...it's about Him.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Reasons to be hopeful
Isn't parenting exhausting?
I have a cousin who recently said she could have a whole litter of kids...cuz parenting so easy. I looked at her stunned for a few seconds...easy? Is she crazy?
I have never done anything so hard in my life. Nothing has ever made me so keenly aware of my flaws, limits and weaknesses, while forcing me to my knees on a daily basis...easy?
Maybe she and I aren't on the same planet.
I went through Ann Voskamp's "Jesse Tree" advent devotional with my kids this Christmas. Vintage Ann...very whispy and deep...maybe a little to ethereal for my kids cuz...
Everytime we got to the reading part, they were bored out of their minds. How many times now have they heard this story? Many! I could feel my blood start to burn hot as they disrespectfully would rest their heads on their hands and "endure" the scripture reading and the lovely life application. I felt like getting the spanky stick.
But a dear friend reminded me, "That's totally normal you know...and don't worry...God's word never returns void. "
I often wonder, especially about my 8 year old daughter....what is the substance of her relationship with the Lord? The girl is wild and loving and still giggles endlessly about toots and potty talk. How serious could this little one be about the Lord?
Well...yesterday I got a reason to hope.
My brown eyed girl met some kids on our block, kids who possibly come from a homelife that looks different from ours...a little rough...maybe a little more than little. The young boy was telling me how he had bet my girl that there were ghosts living in a vacant house next to his and he was on a mission to kill them. I sort of half expected him to pull out a cigarette and light it while we talked. Carly rode her new Christmas bike and played with these kids for hours.
When she came home she said, "Mom...they had never heard of God or Jesus...so I told them about Him. It wasn't going so well at first, but I talked to God about it and...well He helped me."
My daughter had her own encounter with God. She demonstrated her own relational ability with the God of the universe, the Lord I've been sharing with her since her infancy...the very same Lord whose birth story puts her to sleep.
"I talked to Him...and He helped me." Straight out of Psalms and straight out of my sassy girl's mouth.
I breathed a sigh of relief and joy...she really does have her own "real" relationship with Him. She reached out and He met her there...on her young girl's blue beach cruiser with kids from the hood.
Thanks God...I love gifts of hope.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
What is redemption?
Sitting at a banquet for Bethany Christian Services, a Christian adoption agency, we heard the most amazing thing. We were there celebrating the one year anniversary of the adoption of our son. After 4 long years of infertility and the long road leading to adoption, we finally had our baby boy in our arms.
"Redemption", the banquest speaker, Rich Buhler said, "Redemption is in this room tonight. Bethany Christian Services is all about Redemption. Here's a definition of the word you may not have ever heard, but is more than fitting for what we celebrate tonight. "
"Redemption means...taking that which never should've happened and making it always planned."
We had to stop an marinate in that one...taking that which never should've happened...and making it ALWAYS PLANNED.
What shouldn't have happened...a single, teenage girl, having sex for possibly the first time, gets pregnant.....Always planned..our answered prayer...our baby boy in our arms.
Therein lies the mystery of God...our minds can hardly wrap ourselves around it...yet somehow in our souls it rings true...He is taking what shouldn't have happened and turning it into that which was always planned. It's what He's been up to since the fall of man.
Shouldn't have happened...Adam and Eve and that blasted tree and piece of fruit
Always planned....Christ comes in the form of a baby, walks this earth clothed in flesh, then dies a gruesome criminal's death...then is raised from the dead on the third day...for me, for you...for the whole world.
God is in the redemption business. Ann Voskamp says, "He is transfiguring all things back to glory...making the ugly...beautiful."
My life is this...taking things that never should've been and making them...always planned...redeemed. Taking that which is ugly and transfiguring it to glory...to the beautiful. It hurts a lot...and some days seem like there is no hope for all the ugliness to become a thing of beauty...that He really is taking all my failures, misfortunes, struggles, sins...and redeeming them.
But that's exactly what He is doing.
And like Job, though not nearly as wounded and stripped as he was, I don't know much, and I wasn't there when He formed the stars and put the planets in their rotation.
But if there's one thing Ido know...it is this
I KNOW MY REDEEMER LIVES!
"Redemption", the banquest speaker, Rich Buhler said, "Redemption is in this room tonight. Bethany Christian Services is all about Redemption. Here's a definition of the word you may not have ever heard, but is more than fitting for what we celebrate tonight. "
"Redemption means...taking that which never should've happened and making it always planned."
We had to stop an marinate in that one...taking that which never should've happened...and making it ALWAYS PLANNED.
What shouldn't have happened...a single, teenage girl, having sex for possibly the first time, gets pregnant.....Always planned..our answered prayer...our baby boy in our arms.
Therein lies the mystery of God...our minds can hardly wrap ourselves around it...yet somehow in our souls it rings true...He is taking what shouldn't have happened and turning it into that which was always planned. It's what He's been up to since the fall of man.
Shouldn't have happened...Adam and Eve and that blasted tree and piece of fruit
Always planned....Christ comes in the form of a baby, walks this earth clothed in flesh, then dies a gruesome criminal's death...then is raised from the dead on the third day...for me, for you...for the whole world.
God is in the redemption business. Ann Voskamp says, "He is transfiguring all things back to glory...making the ugly...beautiful."
My life is this...taking things that never should've been and making them...always planned...redeemed. Taking that which is ugly and transfiguring it to glory...to the beautiful. It hurts a lot...and some days seem like there is no hope for all the ugliness to become a thing of beauty...that He really is taking all my failures, misfortunes, struggles, sins...and redeeming them.
But that's exactly what He is doing.
And like Job, though not nearly as wounded and stripped as he was, I don't know much, and I wasn't there when He formed the stars and put the planets in their rotation.
But if there's one thing Ido know...it is this
I KNOW MY REDEEMER LIVES!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)