An Unwelcome Visitor

“Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death.  But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.”

2 Corinthians 1:9

“Are you ok?”  There was silence on the other end of the phone…

“No…”  He was obviously crying.

“What did the doctor say?”

“It’s Melanoma”, he choked out.  “It’s deep and I have to have my lymph nodes checked.”  His words were choppy and his voice cracking.  He was sobbing between words.  “He said that he couldn’t promise it wasn’t life threatening.”

Oh God.  It’s melanoma?  Oh no…it’s been on there so long.

“You need to come home.”  He was at school when he finally reached the doctor.

A few minutes later I was on the phone with the doctor myself.  I had been still trying to stay calm…maybe it’s not as bad as he thinks…

“I’m so so sorry about your husband.”  

The doctor’s voice was sober and sincere.  He was talking to me almost like Craig had already died.

I’m thinking…is this where we are?  A death sentence?  I was stunned and paralyzed.

“Well…there is still the chance that it didn’t go anywhere.  He will need surgery to remove the melanoma and to check his lymph nodes.  Then we will go from there.  Again…I am so so sorry.”

I could hardly breathe as I hung up the phone.

Oh God, Oh God…No!  Not this…we just came off a hard and exhausting year…please God No!

It’s so true how surreal your life suddenly becomes when you get a phone call like this.  

Is this really my life?
 

I made my way to the bathroom…my tummy doesn’t handle stress well.

I tapped out a text to my “girls”…my praying girls.  We all need them for times like this:

“Oh God.  Craig had a biopsy on a spot on his face and it’s melanoma.  Pray.”

Paula called immediately.

“Oh Paula….what am I going to do?  What are we going to do?”  I finally let the sobs out.

“Jif, first we are going to breathe.”

Breathe…why is it we forget to breathe in panic?  Breathe in…breathe out.  There are moments in life when it’s all you can do…and the best you can do.

How was I going to leave this bathroom?

I can’t go out and share this with the kids…we don’t have enough info yet…and how can I homeschool them today?

Could I really take this punch to the gut, walk out and ask, “Who wants pancakes?”

“Jif,” Paula spoke with a gentleness and an authority that I know well from her.  “I really feel like the Lord wants me to remind you that Jesus is praying for you.”

What?  Jesus is praying for me?  For some reason, it sounded so random.  I would expect her to say…God is good Jif…remember He loves you…He’s good all the time…

It wasn’t the word I was expecting.  What does that mean?  I don’t want Him to pray for me…I want Him to heal my husband…NOW!

But this word from the Lord would prove the most important thing for me to know.

She then prayed for me.

After her praying…I had enough peace and strength to leave the bathroom.  Then enough strength to hide the emotion flooding my whole being from the kids.  Miracle #1.

Craig walked in the door…wouldn’t look at me…weeping.  He headed straight upstairs to our bedroom.

I am still amazed that the kids didn’t see him.  They had just gone into their rooms to get ready for the day.  No way he would’ve been able to hide it…and why was dad home anyway?  But they didn’t see him.  Miracle #2.

I followed him up…he had collapsed on the bed in tears.  All I could do was hold him.  “It’s gonna to be ok…it’s gonna be ok”… I just held him and said it over and over…not really sure if I believed it.

At one point he said, “I can’t look at you.”  The sobs continued.

Finally, after what felt like a lifetime of tears, he was able to speak…barely, “I just don’t want to leave you and the kids.” He said between sobs.  “I am not afraid of dying…I know exactly where I’d go…I just so badly don’t want to leave you and the kids…I can’t leave you…please Lord don’t take me away from them.”  Then more sobbing.

It was a strange moment right then, for me…watching my husband sob for fear of his life…because…as a child of divorce, a girl whose father left…I thought:

“Wow.  I am blessed.  My husband would never leave me.  He is capable of all sorts of human mistakes, but that one honestly just isn’t in him.  He’d stay if he were miserable.  It would take God Almighty, Himself, taking him…for him to leave me.”

Somehow I felt blessed in that moment.  Oh how this broken man loved me…loved us.  Is everyone this loved?  Again…so strange the thoughts that go through your head.  It felt so weird to feel blessed even with this horrific cloud hovering over us….surreal.

I’m not sure how we did it…God’s mercy and grace…but somehow we were able to keep it from the kids and from Craig’s mom.  She was getting on a plane in two days for England.  If she knew this…she’d cancel her trip and frankly…we needed her to go.  We couldn’t deal with anyone else’s terror and worry.  She’s lost her husband to cancer and already has had to hear two of her children tell her they had cancer.  We couldn’t’ do it….not yet.  But we didn’t have to.  Miracle #3

A precious friend, Toby, came and prayed with us.  She knows prayer.  She knows suffering.  She’s had seasons in her life that required her to hide in the closet and cry out God’s Word.  She’d written it on her walls and bedposts.  She knows the battle in prayer.

She said words like illness being our enemy and God being the strength of our lives and our portion forever.  She prayed healing and peace.  She prayed scripture after scripture…held my hand…brought another measure of strength and peace.  God’s comfort through a sister in Christ.  Miracle #4

As we walked through that day…we could feel the love of friends…we could feel the prayer.  The presence of God covering us through the prayers of loved ones.  Miracle #5.

I called my brother Jon…and cried.  He said, “Oh Jif…it’s gonna be okay….it’s gonna be okay.”  What else can you say?

He also said some things that changed my vision a bit.

“Remember that the Bible gives us examples of people begging and pleading and reasoning with God and He changes His mind.  If for some reason His plan is to take Craig home…let’s beg him to change His mind.  He may say, ‘Oh sweetie, as much as I love you and want to say yes to that…I have to say no because of a greater purpose than you can see right now.’ Or maybe He’ll say YES!  Either way…lets’ plead and reason with Him.”

Jon and Tami came over often the next few days.  Praying, talking, loving.  At one visit, Craig broke into tears, “I…I feel so loved…like I’ve never felt before…it makes my heart physically hurt.”

It hit me.

See…I have had this habit of praying scripture for Craig and the kids.  Words from God’s Word that rang true…that I knew needed to be done in their lives.  I’ve even seen God do a miracle or two as I prayed scripture in a few other lives…like Tami.  God did something my words could never have done in her.  He even told me to “shut up and pray…stop giving her your words and start praying mine…and watch me work.”  Boy did He…but that’s another story.

I had been praying specific scripture for Craig…that he would know God’s love…the love of others and be able to pour out love…all on a whole new level.  Not that he didn’t know or do this before…but…new…deeper.  I sensed a wall there…and the Lord led me to some scripture about love.

Oh man…did I bring this on?  No…sweet child, I invited you into what I am doing.

During the next weeks…months really… Craig would often say, “I feel like God had to cut open my heart…oh so carefully…and plant a seed of love.  He’s growing a new love in me…a new grasp of His love for me…and a love for others.  He is now calling me to water that seed with trust.” 

The next two weeks were a blur.  We told very few people what was going on…mostly because we didn’t really know how serious it was.  The doctors had told us that if it didn’t go anywhere…then he’d have the melanoma removed and be fine.  He’d be monitored carefully and consistently…but he’d be ok.

Craig’s desperation for life and love…for God’s presence and His Word…jumped into hyper drive.

And the prayer and scripture flowed…to us…to heaven.  All pleading with God.  Dear friends…family…some we wouldn’t have expected it from…emailed…texted…verses…all so powerful…so real.

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the LORD, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”  Psalm 91:1-2

Words we knew…but suddenly became food…we desperately needed them to be real.

“In peace I will lie down and sleep for you alone Lord make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8

“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.” Psalm 91:4

This particular verse has strong significance of spiritual protection.  I prayed it as I pulled the covers over us to sleep…and pictured those huge impenetrable wings covering us while we slept.  Miraculously…I’ve never slept better.  Miracle #6

"For who is God besides the Lord?  And who is the Rock except our God?  It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure.  He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights.”  Psalm 18:30-33

Craig received the following from the Lord…it literally held him up…could we really apply this word to Craig’s situation?

“You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you...  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.”  2 Chronicles 20:17

We wrestled, like many, between trying to trust God for His perfect will and fighting in prayer for utter healing and deliverance…deliverance from this enemy to Craig’s body.

There’s all kinds of theology and many Bible experts have and will continue to debate this whole idea of God healing…His sovereignty…our ability to pray and see miracles…trusting Him for His perfect plan.

We just cried out…and continued to cry out.  We ate scripture to remind us of who He is…we were held up by the fervent prayers of His children.  We fought hard in prayer.

One time I prayed that any and all cancer that had gone throughout anywhere in his body…that the Lord would just move it all up to that spot on his face so it can be cut out and gone…GONE!

And Jesus reminded me again, “I have my Father’s ear…and I too am praying.”  

Jesus is working on it.

That vision started to become our anchor.  It reminded me of a scene in Apollo 13 where the Tom Hanks character, Jim Lovell, after days of freezing cold, minimal food, and sporadic terror in outer space realizes they aren’t too sure how they’re going to re-enter earth’s atmosphere and make it back home.

His supervisor gets on the intercom.  “What’s the story Deek?”  Jim asked calmly but firmly. “Jim, we’re going to get those plans up to you…as soon as we can.  Ken Mattingly is in the simulator right now working on it.”

Ken Mattingly was Jim's right hand man who couldn’t be on this mission due to exposure to measles.

“Ken’s working on it.”  Tom Hanks says this with a newfound assurance and confidence.  If anyone could figure it out and get him in…it was Ken.

“Jesus is working on it.”  This became our mantra.

Sitting in the head and neck surgeon’s office was chilling:

“Ok…it was on your face for over a year?”  At least…maybe more like two…or three.  Not good.

“And it was bleeding?”  Also…not good.

“Ok, so you will have two surgeries.  The first one will be to remove the melanoma.  We will take extra tissue out to ensure we get clean margins.  That will leave you with a crater on your face about the size of a silver dollar and about 3 millimeters deep.”  Craig turned white…I thought he’d pass out.  He doesn’t even like doctors.  How was he going to keep it together through this?

“We will also remove the sentinel lymph nodes during the first surgery.  Once we get pathology results about the margins…making sure they’re clean…and the lymph nodes, then you will have reconstructive surgery on your face to close up the area.”

Two surgeries in two weeks.  Silver dollar sized crater.  Lymph node incisions.  Reconstructive surgery.

I felt like my spirit left my body…and there was nothing holding up my shell.

“The goal is that everything comes back clean and clear.  If it has gone to your lymph nodes, then you’re automatically looking at stage IV cancer.” 

How does a life go from normal to stage IV cancer in a matter of seconds?

“If it’s all clean and clear then you’ll still have to meet with an Oncologist to discuss moving forward.”

follow up with an oncologist...is that word really in our vocabulary now?

Craig was devastated…I’m not even sure that’s the word for it.  Only one I can think of.

A couple more miracles, though, brought some joy:

#7: The surgeon happened to be the father of students Craig had taught.  What are the odds?  A connection with the doctor.

#8: He happened to have a cancellation the next Monday.  Craig’s surgery would come quick.

A couple days before the surgery, Craig said, “Why do I feel like I want Pete to come pray over me and anoint me with oil?”  Pete is our beloved pastor from New Harvest Community Church…still our “go to” in a crisis, though we hadn’t attended that church for years.

“Because that’s exactly what we are going to do.” I said.  I called Jaime…one of my “girls”.  If anyone could track Pete down and get him at our house…it was her.

We had our precious prayer warriors and Pete come pray over Craig.  I will have to describe this event in detail in another entry because it was so powerful…miracles throughout the evening…the heavens rocked…and all I can say is the Holy Spirit was palpable.

While all of this was going on, my brother and his wife, Tami were waiting to hear news of their own.  My niece, Jasmine, had a mole removed…ironically or spookily, I’m not sure…on the same day as Craig’s biopsy.  Her test came back inconclusive for melanoma.  It needed to be sent to Cornell Pediatric Melanoma Center.

This really can’t be happening.

My daughter cannot lose her dad and her beloved cousin.  Our family can’t do this.

We started to look up at the sky for frogs falling.

By the time Craig went into surgery…the Lord had done so much.  So many precious encounters with loved ones….so much prayer and devouring of scripture…Craig memorized Psalm 91 and Psalm 27.

It was a Monday when Craig had his first surgery.  A week and a half after this unwelcome visitor showed up.  Right before they wheeled him in…got a text from Tami:

“Jasmine does not have melanoma.”  Praise Jesus! 

We both smiled and felt a wave of power and hope surge through us…God was healing…He was healing.

“I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron.  I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you many know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.”  Isaiah 45:2-3

We had to wait a torturous 4 days to get the pathology results.  We had wanted to get the news by that Friday because Jake’s 16^th birthday party had already been planned for the Saturday.  And Mother’s Day was that Sunday. 

Oh Lord…I really need a good phone call before this weekend.

I will tell you…I wrestled hard with God during those four days.  I reasoned, I begged, I pleaded…I prayed for total healing.  I’m not quite sure if the wrestling was with Him…He may have already done His good work…or with my enemy and my own thoughts.  But wrestling was what I did during those four days.

On one of them, I was laying on my front yard swing…my happy place…and I was watching a huge white cloud that over the next few minutes dissipated into nothing. 

“…because I am going to the Father.  And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.  You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.”  John 14:12c-14

Yes, Lord…it’s what you told Paula to tell me…You are at the Father’s side and you’ve said I can ask for anything.

That’s what I want Lord.  If there is any cancer in his body…touch it right now and cause it to dissipate just like that cloud.  I am asking…you said I could…I am asking.  Oh that your Father would be glorified.  Yes Lord!  Yes!

By Friday morning…we were utterly spent…at our end.

Oh Lord…please.  You know we will praise you either way…we have proven that.  I’ve had the bad phone calls Lord…no baby growing in my tummy...that baby you thought you’d be adopting, you’re not…every time I turned in tears and sorrow and gave you praise.  I want the good phone call! 

I had never really talked to Him like that before…

30 minutes later…the doctor called. 

“It’s good news!”

What?  What did you say?   Good news?

“The margins are clean and the 3 lymph nodes we took are clear of melanoma.  So I’d say it’s about an 85-90% chance that you are cancer free.”

What?  Why not 100%?  Oh yeah…still having to meet with Oncologist to discuss moving forward.

Craig, the math teacher said…or maybe it was me…the one who doesn’t like math, “But as far as you’re concerned, there isn’t any cancer in his body…the melanoma didn’t travel.”

“Correct.  I can’t promise it won’t come back.  But it’s highly likely it didn’t go anywhere.”

We would worry about that 85-90% later.  

It was time to celebrate.

It was a whirlwind of laughter…jumping up and down…weeping…dancing…letting the kids in on what had happened…what God had done.

It didn’t go to his lymph nodes…all that time…as deep as it was…and his lymph nodes were clean.

I got my good phone call.  Oh what a Good Good Father you are, Lord!  You said, yes!  You did it!

We celebrated all day long…visits from friends, loved ones…food, wine…celebration!

And our trust journey continued.

The summer was made up of Craig clinging to God…doing battle against fear…handing over control…the LORD opening his heart…planting that love…weeding out fears, control, critical heart…

We decided to do Beth Moore’s Bible Study, “Believing God”.  I had done it years ago…Craig hadn’t.

I marveled as my strong, introverted, quiet spiritual leader of a husband wept and cried, “Glory!”  and “Amen!”…while watching Beth teach about believing God.

The main idea of the study is that many of us believe in God.  But do we really believe Him.

Do we believe:

He is who He says He is

He can do what He says He can do

We are who God says we are

We can do all things through Christ…and

God’s Word is alive and active in me

And I watched God work.  I watched him shred the man I married and remake him into a new person.  It was like nothing I’d ever witnessed before.

We went back into praying mode...never stopped really…praying for total healing.  Praying against that possible and pesky 10-15%.

Then…just last week, after having an MRI on his brain, a PET scan on his body, and a blood test dissecting his white blood cell count…not to mention full exams by dermatologist and follow up exams with head and neck surgeon…

I am brimming with joy and amazement to tell you that God has completely healed Craig.

There is no evidence of any cancer…anywhere.

The technician who did his PET scan told him…if the cancer has gone somewhere…and melanoma can do that…this test will show you.  If you get a clean scan…then it’s nowhere.

We got news of all clean scans last week.

This story is now turning into a book…and maybe one day I’ll write it in full…there is so much more to say.

But for now it is our desire that you know this…

God healed Craig.  Oh that the Father would be glorified in the Son.  He did it!

“And on the basis of faith in His name, it is the name of Jesus which has strengthened this man whom you see and know, and the faith which comes through Him has given him this perfect health.”  Acts 3:16

I do not have all the answers of why God heals some and not others.  I have been one who has had the “No” at times in my life.  And I don’t know what the future holds…there are no guarantees…Craig will have to be closely monitored for years…probably for the rest of his life…Life is precious and fragile and God can do whatever He wants at any time He wants.

But I do know this: 
God is good…He is perfectly faithful.  He never leaves us…and I believe on a whole new level that HE DOES HEAL.

I also know...our friend Beth Moore has taught us...that even if we don't get the answer we wanted...and some days we won't...if we pray hard...pray His word...pray believing Him we have some guarantees:

We will please Him.  He loves it when we pray and believe Him for big things. (Heb. 11:6)

We will receive His power.  (Eph 1:19)

We will see His glory. (John 11:38-40)

I believe that healing is in His heart…that He wants to heal…it’s what Jesus did the most while He was here.  I believe that He still can and will do miracles here and now.  I believe that we could be on the brink of God doing unbelievable things in our time…if we would just ask and believe…and make no mistake…there’s no perfection on our part in this journey…just a continuation of seeking after Him...a lot of crying out and wrestling and clinging to Him...  

And His Word…oh how mighty it is.  It truly isn’t just a bunch of nice words or a bunch of laws and historical events…but the real life and power and action of the Lord God Almighty…truly alive and active in us who believe.

He’s given us a whole new prayer life…one that we want to share with you…loved ones…powerful…Spirit filled…for the Glory of God.

We had a very unwelcome visitor, but our Almighty God…our Great Physician…faithful and Good Good Father…held that visitor at bay…used it for His perfect purposes…heard our cries and said, “Yes!”

And we are in awe.

“Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death.  But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again.  On Him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers.  Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.”  2 Corinthians 1:9-11