Any Given Day

Today was hard.

I woke up discouraged for some reason.  Stiff back…knowing Craig’s back was also persistently hurting him…after weeks of prayer for healing.

My head spun really as I rolled out of bed, felt the cold air outside coming in through the window and piercing my body, warm from the night’s sleep.

Lately I have been excited to wake up and linger in prayer with the Lord.  But today…it felt like a chore.

I couldn’t get my head right…couldn’t get focused on praising, the way I always start…thoughts running, circling, banging around in my head, colliding with each other.

Craig felt similar.  Back still hurts.  Dog still pooping on the floor at night.  Fears still waving in and out.  Didn’t sleep much last night.

He gave me a soft touch…said something…tired of letting the enemy steal his joy and peace…said he’d pray for me…off he went.

I pushed through…made it to my power place…intercession…praying scripture for me…for others.

Then started the day.

It didn’t take long for the train to leave the tracks.  Carly woke up grumpy.  She had a good amount of writing and editing to do before her writing class this morning. 

It didn’t go well. 

I know it’s not going to go well when she scratches her paper with her pencil, throws the pencil…because she can’t get the checkmarks right…who cares how the checkmarks on the check sheet look? 

She does…with anger and passion.

Trying to be consistent in all my threats of consequences…for sass…disrespectful talk…bad attitude…I came down on her.

Then there was Jake.

Walking out to take Carly to class I found him in the garage where he was supposed to be working out.  He looked…like he does most days…like he was putting more effort and focus into his phone…music…than the workout.

Will he ever just work hard at something…cuz he wants to?

As I watched Carly walk to class…with all the silence between us

Her, age 12, wanting to be independent but still very much needing me…and not wanting to

Me…tired…certain I was doing everything wrong. 

I started to cry. 

I love her so much.  She’s just a bundle of confusion and angst and gifts and insecurities and hormones.  She doesn’t know what she’s doing.

And I’m the mom.  Oh God…I just don’t want her to turn away from you because of me…because of my mistakes.

The floodgates opened.

What were you thinking, giving me these two?  You were silly to think I could handle them.

And I’m so damn tired of making Jake crawl.  I’ve been forcing him to crawl in every way his entire life.  I can’t do it.

The tears flowed…as did all the words my heart felt.

“I didn’t give them to you because I thought you could handle it.  I gave them to you because I knew you’d turn to Me.”

Alright Lord.  I need some more encouragement.  What do you have for me?

I opened  “Jesus Calling”:

“As you look at the day before you, you see a twisted, complicated path, with branches going off in all directions.  You wonder how you can possibly find your way through that maze.  Then you remember the One who is with you always, holding you by your right hand.  You recall My promise to guide you with My counsel, and you begin to relax…”

Yes Lord.  Keep walking.  One step at a time…not really ever knowing where the next step is…pressing into your presence.  Oh Lord, engulf me…surround me in your presence.  Fullness of joy.

Then I opened “Charles Spurgeon: Morning and Evening”:

“ ‘The Lord is my portion, saith my soul.’ Lamentations 3:24

It is not the Lord is partly my portion, nor The Lord is in my portion; but he himself makes up the sum total of my soul’s inheritance.  Within the circumference of that circle lies all that we possess or desire.  The Lord is my portion.  Not his grace merely, nor his love, nor his covenant, but Jehovah himself.  The Lord is our all-sufficient portion...  God fills himself; and if God is all-sufficient in himself, he must be all-sufficient for us… Well may we delight ourselves in the Lord who makes us to drink of the river of his pleasures.”

Then I got this from Craig:

Love,

I am filled with Hope knowing that Jesus is in charge of our lives.  I know He will direct us to His promised land, He is our Good Shepherd.  He has already proven Himself faithful to meet all of our needs and we can trust in Him that He will continue.  We have so much to be thankful for, these light and momentary trials are producing in us a bountiful harvest.  I pray that the God of Hope may fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  

Sensing Him lifting all of us above the mess here and protecting all of us under His wings,

C

You are my portion…my reward.  My crown is found in the deep trenches of labor on the path You’ve chosen.  

And you will guide me…and comfort me…and keep me…and dwell with me…step by step by Holy step…