Today was hard.
I woke up discouraged for some reason. Stiff back…knowing Craig’s back was also
persistently hurting him…after weeks of prayer for healing.
My head spun really as I rolled out of bed, felt the cold
air outside coming in through the window and piercing my body, warm from the
night’s sleep.
Lately I have been excited to wake up and linger in prayer
with the Lord. But today…it felt like a
chore.
I couldn’t get my head right…couldn’t get focused on
praising, the way I always start…thoughts running, circling, banging around in
my head, colliding with each other.
Craig felt similar.
Back still hurts. Dog still
pooping on the floor at night. Fears
still waving in and out. Didn’t sleep
much last night.
He gave me a soft touch…said something…tired of letting the
enemy steal his joy and peace…said he’d pray for me…off he went.
I pushed through…made it to my power
place…intercession…praying scripture for me…for others.
Then started the day.
It didn’t take long for the train to leave the tracks. Carly woke up grumpy. She had a good amount of writing and editing
to do before her writing class this morning.
It didn’t go well.
I know it’s not going to go well when she scratches her
paper with her pencil, throws the pencil…because she can’t get the checkmarks
right…who cares how the checkmarks on the check sheet look?
She does…with anger and passion.
Trying to be consistent in all my threats of
consequences…for sass…disrespectful talk…bad attitude…I came down on her.
Then there was Jake.
Walking out to take Carly to class I found him in the garage
where he was supposed to be working out.
He looked…like he does most days…like he was putting more effort and
focus into his phone…music…than the workout.
Will he ever just work hard at something…cuz he wants to?
As I watched Carly walk to class…with all the silence
between us
Her, age 12, wanting to be independent but still very much
needing me…and not wanting to
Me…tired…certain I was doing everything wrong.
I started to cry.
I love her so much.
She’s just a bundle of confusion and angst and gifts and insecurities
and hormones. She doesn’t know what
she’s doing.
And I’m the mom. Oh God…I just don’t want her to turn away
from you because of me…because of my mistakes.
The floodgates opened.
What were you thinking, giving me these two? You were silly to think I could handle them.
And I’m so damn tired of making Jake crawl. I’ve been forcing him to crawl in every way
his entire life. I can’t do it.
The tears flowed…as did all the words my heart felt.
“I didn’t give them to
you because I thought you could handle it.
I gave them to you because I knew you’d turn to Me.”
Alright Lord. I need
some more encouragement. What do you
have for me?
I opened “Jesus Calling”:
“As you look at the day before you, you see a twisted,
complicated path, with branches going off in all directions. You wonder how you can possibly find your way
through that maze. Then you remember the
One who is with you always, holding you by your right hand. You recall My promise to guide you with My
counsel, and you begin to relax…”
Yes Lord. Keep
walking. One step at a time…not really
ever knowing where the next step is…pressing into your presence. Oh Lord, engulf me…surround me in your
presence. Fullness of joy.
Then I opened “Charles Spurgeon: Morning and Evening”:
“ ‘The Lord is my portion, saith my soul.’ Lamentations 3:24
It is not the Lord is
partly my portion, nor The Lord is in
my portion; but he himself makes up the sum total of my soul’s
inheritance. Within the circumference of
that circle lies all that we possess or desire.
The Lord is my portion. Not his
grace merely, nor his love, nor his covenant, but Jehovah himself. The Lord is our all-sufficient portion... God fills himself; and if God is
all-sufficient in himself, he must be all-sufficient for us… Well may we
delight ourselves in the Lord who makes us to drink of the river of his
pleasures.”
Then I got this from Craig:
Love,
I am
filled with Hope knowing that Jesus is in charge of our lives. I know He
will direct us to His promised land, He is our Good Shepherd. He has
already proven Himself faithful to meet all of our needs and we can trust in
Him that He will continue. We have so much to be thankful for, these
light and momentary trials are producing in us a bountiful harvest. I
pray that the God of Hope may fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in
Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Sensing
Him lifting all of us above the mess here and protecting all of us under His
wings,
C
You are my portion…my reward. My crown is found in the deep trenches of
labor on the path You’ve chosen.
And you
will guide me…and comfort me…and keep me…and dwell with me…step by step by Holy
step…
