Standing at the kitchen sink, hands in soapy warm water, looking out to my green lush hedge that grows up the backyard wall, blocking the outside world, I felt a sudden surge of joy. I felt it well up inside of me. Joy wants to fill us from the toes up to the scalp and it calls up to the heights as if it wants us to go up to the heavens with it. And the ecstactic feeling that comes...it's what makes life worth living.
So why don't I let it take me up to the heavens? Every time I feel this feeling I also feel a tension. A pull from me that wants to protect myself from traveling to the heights of heaven. If I go there, I will be fully and wholly unguarded. And then what if...
The fear is that I'll be soaring these heights of joy and then be stricken by some sudden catastrophe...some sort of disaster...even just the slightest reminder of humanness or the fallenness of this spinning sphere. And if you are unguarded...then what?
Suddenly that ecstatic feeling seems to mellow...your feet back on the earth of reality...and you've missed the moment to soar the heavens.
Why do I do this? It's as if I believe if I keep my fists up...keep my guard...remember that life isn't this soaring, this bubbling of pure happiness and peace...that I'll be better able to fight the disaster when it inevitably comes. But what I am really doing is picking up my favorite weapons, fear and dread, and trying to take them along with me on my joy-ride...in hopes that I can enjoy the ride, yet have the weapons if I need them. Unfortunately, these weapons are too heavy to make the flight...so they pin my feet to the ground...my joy then is pinned. And haven't I learned by now that these two...fear and dread...are terrible weapons...they don't fight my enemy. In fact they ravage me.
Maybe the real secret is giving in to the joy. Letting it take us to the heights, letting it fill us to the pont of pouring out in love and peace..fountains on the whole world... as we soar over all creation.
Maybe joy is the weapon.
I know that darkness comes...always...for a time. I know that there is real pain..especially for me, in this life, this crucified with Christ life, this life that no longer lives but gives reign to Christ living in me. Jesus promised we'd have it...pain...suffering...darkness. But maybe...in those times of joy...real joy...joy from Him...joy that comes not from doing good, thinking good, acting good, talking good...but joy that comes from Him. Joy that comes because I've spent days, weeks, months, calling Him to come and fill, come and heal, come and live in me.
Maybe this joy, when it comes, is not only the blessing, the ecstacy, but is also the weapon, the strength...that can face that dreaded darkness. I am learning the He is the peace...maybe He's the joy too. Maybe all this calling to Jesus has resulted in Him coming...He is calling me to flight.
I am timid to give in to it...give in to Him. I've made a mastery of packing fear and dread in my backpack when joy wants to take me high. It's hard to change the habit. Maybe that's the next thing to ask Jesus. Help me to give in to the joy...give in to Him...let Him take me high...to lay down the false weapons...to let joy take me in flight...take me to the heavens...and not be pinned down. Yes, Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief.
