This week kinda sucked.
I have been having some tummy issues lately and because I have a tendency to think anything different happening in my body must mean that I am dying of cancer and I've been told it's always good to be proactive in taking care of yourself, I decided to go to a gastroenterologist and have a colonoscopy.
"It's really not a big deal at all." I was told by many who have had this done before...after all 60+ year old women get them all the time...how bad could it be.
Well...let me tell you...it kinda sucked. I was pretty nervous the whole week before. And I was going to begin the colon preparation the day after Easter...so even then I didn't have much of an appetite.
If you've never had one, I don't want to scare you but here's what happened.
I began a liquid diet on Monday morning...nothing but juice, tea, soda...any clear liquid...no solid food. And at 6pm that night began drinking the colon prep stuff to clean out my colon. That's the worst part...so they say...but that part wasn't so bad. Then everything that is in your colon comes flushing out...lovely, I know. I also found out that day that I was scheduled to be the doctor's last colonoscopy of the day...1:00 pm on Tuesday. Yikes, I thought. I have to be fasting for that long?
On the morning of the procedure I drank one last dose of colon cleaning stuff...and expelled anything that could've possibly been hanging out in my colon. I was depleted to say the least.
Then I finally went to the hospital for the procedure. They checked me in, hooked me up to an IV and there I waited, in my little cubicle, for an hour and a half. I felt like a sheep waiting it's turn to be sheared. At one point, they even rolled me in and started hooking me up to oxygen, sprayed my throat with some awful numbing spray and started prepping me...only to find out they had to put me on hold again for a different patient who had to be completely sedated for his procedure and had an available anesthesiologist for only the next 30 minutes. Back they wheeled me into my stall.
I finally had my procedure done...wasn't too bad. Glory to God in the Highest... I have a clean colon and am not going to die of cancer...at least not this year.
The recovery is where the real fun began. I expected that I would bounce back pretty quickly, have my appetite back in no time and be up and taking my kids to the beach the next...finally enjoying our spring break. No such luck.
Without boring you with all the details after a day of continued diarrhea (sorry...that's probably the last detail you wanted to hear) and apparantly not drinking enough fluids...and having one of my biopsy sights start becoming infected...I found myself with a 100.1 degree temperature almost passing out in the shower, and back at the urgent care getting IV fluids and a perscription for an antibiotic.
I am sitting in bed today...three days after the procedure...feeling much better...but still slowing gaining my strength...slowly eating bland foods...and drowning myself in gatorade. Not a good time.
And if you know me well, you know...I am not good at this kind of stuff. Any kind of stomach issues...for me or my kids...puts me into anxiety mode. If one of my kids vomits...I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder for days.
So here's where the Lord comes in. I have had to...every moment of every day this week...utterly beg Him to show up. Show up with his peace and some really powerful healing. This week has been a moment by moment exercise of me handing over every fear...every what if...every stress of what the next 5 minutes...let alone the next hours and days...would have in store for me.
"What if I have to go to the hospital again?" "What if I just keep getting sicker and sicker?" "How's Craig gonna hold up under all this pressure of being nurse maid, stay at home dad, and homemaker...it's not his favorite role." "This would be the worst time ever for the kids to get sick." "What if I am still sick next week, when Craig goes back to school and I have to start homeschooling the kids again...their tests are coming up..." On and on the fears and thoughts rolled in.
It was a mental and emotional exercise that felt like running a marathon to continue handing the Lord every thought...every fear...every what if.
And He showed up...And He did what His word promises:
Psalm 31: 14 "But as for me, I trust in Thee, O Lord, (something I had to decide to do), I say 'Thou art my God.' My times are in Thy hand."
Psalm 30:2 "O Lord my God, I cried to Thee for help, and Thou didst heal me."
I read, in my devotional, "Jesus Calling", by Sarah Young the following words:
"You are mine for all time; nothing can separate you from My Love." "I designed you to depend on me moment by moment, recognizing that apart from Me you can do nothing." "Seek my face...although this is an invisible transaction, it speaks volumes in spiritual realms."
At one point yesterday...I was trying to just close my eyes and rest. Every thought or picture that entered my head...whether it was about me, my life, or even the latest events in the news...the Trayvon Martin killing...Anne Romney being dissed by a liberal talking head...I could find no peace. And every thought forced me to verbally calling on Jesus to come, take this burden, take this one too. I felt the Lord leading me to read Psalm 27 and here's what I found:
"The Lord is my Light and my Salvation; Whom shall I fear?" It was like balm on my heart and brought me to tears. I could physically feel my tummy loosen, and a wave of peace.
He is my Light. Every bit of darkness in me...and believe me there's a lot...can be infused, transformed, conquered by the presence of His light.
He is my Salvation. Not the doctors, not the IV fluids, not the antibiotic, not the right foods...but Him alone.
The lesson didn't stop there. The Lord is Craig's Light and Salvation...not me. I am not responsible for him, his happiness, his growth, anything about him...I am not His life...burden off my shoulders.
The Lord is Jake's Light and Salvation...not me. I am not the one who will grow him, mature him, fix what needs fixing, open doors for him, plan his future...the Lord does all that...another burden off my shoulders.
The Lord is Carly's Light and Salvation...not me. I am not the one who will mold her character, draw her closer to the Lord, map out her future...He is. Burden off my shoulders.
It's amazing the power of one little verse. A verse I have read nearly a hundred times. A verse I know by heart...yet in times of darkness, and fear, and an upset colon...it teaches a phenomenal truth.
He is my Light. I can call on his light to shine whenever a dark patch comes over me. His Light can bring healing, comfort, peace. He is the one who Saves. He holds me close when I am scared, He draws me to the comfort and the protection of the shadow of his wings.
I read some more:
"The Lord is the defense of my life; Whom (or what) shall I dread? When evil doers came upon me to devour my flesh (the enemy can try to use anything to devour us...even a colonoscopy and tough recovery), My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell. Though a host encamp against me (a host of thoughts, fears, nonsense coming out of the television), My heart will not fear (not that the fear doesn't come, but that I won't indulge it...I'll turn it completely...over and over to Him) Though war arise against me, In spite of this, I shall be confident." verses 2-3.
And how can I be confident? I drew and arrow from that sentence back up to the first sentence of verse one: "The Lord is my Light and my Salvation"
So that's it. That's the week I've had. I know I haven't conquered all of this in full...I am...even as I type...handing over the thoughts and fears, moment by moment still...but this I am sure of (and really that's all we can hold onto in times like this...what we're sure of and know is absolutely true and can never be taken away):
The Lord is my Light and my Salvation...whom shall I fear?
