Choose Life

There's a constant battle raging within each one of us.  It's the battle of the mind and heart.  My devotion this morning said something profound.

"Your mind shuttles back and forth, hither and yon, weaving webs of anxious confusion.  As My thoughts rise up within you, they become entangled in those sticky webs of worry.  Thus, my voice is muffled and you hear only 'white noise'.  Ask My Spirit to quiet your mind so that you can think My thoughts."  Sarah Young, Jesus Calling . 

Think My thoughts?  Wow!  What a thought...we know that His ways and thoughts are higher than ours...can we actually think His thoughts?  Amazingly, we have His Spirit in us...so it must be possible to think His thoughts.

But how?  My thoughts are raging and so much louder than the sweet small voice of the Spirit.

A visiting teaching pastor, Jared, said yesterday that the living of this new creation is not a one time event...don't we wish it was? 

When we invite Christ in, God's Word says that we instantly become a new creation...Barah!...the greek word for making something new.  It conjurs up the image of a magician throwing his hands wide and declaring something done...BARAH...a new creation...an instant and forever change...the old is gone, the new has come.

But living this new creation isn't complete in this one amazing, miraculous action.  And this is a hard one to wrap the mind around. 

We are a new creation, but we are also becoming a new creation. 

Ann Voskamp says, "Christianity is a lifetime of becoming who you really are."

And so the living of this new creation is a daily...step by step journey.  Jared said, "...maybe not the first time you choose to encourage that co-worker that persecutes you and makes your life a living hell (not sure Jared said hell in church...my version of what he said), and maybe not the tenth or one thousandth time, but eventually your nature will become one who encourages."  The same is true when you choose grace instead of retaliation, trust instead of fear, kindness instead of a sharp tongue.  Eventually, those things become our natural response.

He quoted Cicero who said, "Virtue is what happens when wise and courageous behavior become second nature."

Then this morning, along with reading what Sarah Young wrote in today's devotion, I found this portion of scripture. 

The Lord is speaking to the Israelites...they have been disobedient, fearful and not trusting...they find themselves in between the leadership of Moses and Joshua.  And the Lord says this:

Deuteronomy 30: 19-20

"I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse.  So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice and by holding fast to Him; for this is your life and the length of your days, that you may live in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraam, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them."  (emphasis mine)

Choose life...by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice and by holding fast to Him. 

This is the living of this new creation.

This is how we begin to silence our own raging thoughts...so that we may think His thoughts.

This is the practice of becoming who we already are.

And it's a daily choice. 

"Choose life in order that you may live..."

Blessed are the Poor in Spirit

Chatting with my brother the other day, he shared something his life group had discussed.  “Blessed are the Poor in Spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God.”  The sermon on the mount starts with this very interesting assertion.  It is the first big sermon of Jesus’ ministry…thousands have gathered, eager to hear what he has to say…and he starts with that. 

 Poor in Spirit…needy…weak… as Eugene Peterson puts it in “The Message”: “You are blessed when you’re at the end of your rope.”  Can’t count on your own strength…ready to give up…not knowing how you’re gonna get through the day…poor.

 It’s a very interesting concept.  You have to be at the end of your rope…the end of yourself to have the kingdom of God.  I know we all get this in terms of our salvation.  Anyone who has accepted Christ as savior and Lord, had to be near or at the end of their rope in some way or another.  But I think this is more than just the recipe toward salvation.  It seems to me that Jesus wants us to live like this…every day. 

Poor.

 I have spent a good deal of time rich in spirit…feeling in control, feeling strong, I had the answers,  I could plow through.  I have also spent a good deal of time trying to pretend I was rich in spirit…don’t tell me how to solve this problem…I know…I can handle it…but really feeling like I was caving in.

This year…God is making me poor in spirit.  He’s yanking up fears and anxieties…long held insecurities…tearing it out and laying it next to the stress, the mistakes, the failures and…the worst of it all…the “what ifs” and “what does it means”.   He’s forcing me to look at it all…over and over until I reach my own poverty.

 I am absolutely nothing and have absolutely nothing without you, Jesus.  This…is the start of the kingdom of God.

 Because, as Jon’s life group discussed, all the rest has to start here.  Once you’re poor in spirit then you can:

        Mourn

        Be gentle

        Hunger and thirst for righteousness

        Be merciful

        Have a pure heart

        Be a peacemaker

        Be the salt of the earth

        Be the light of the world

And if you take many a misstep in any of those…stop being those things…it all has to go back to the beginning…being poor.

He tells us that we’re blessed when we’re persecuted, blessed when men cast insults because of Him…to consider it joy when life sucks.  But it doesn’t work unless we’re poor in spirit.

 I think poor in spirit changes everything.  If you read verses like “Rejoice in the Lord always” or again, “consider it all joy my brethren when you encounter various trials”, or “be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer …with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God” without the poor in spirit, you think that a true Christian never doubts, never worries and always “chooses joy! (Insert happy face)”. 

But I think the poor in spirit part negates that.  Reading those verses with poor in spirit says this instead. 

This life is brutal and you can’t do it. You won’t have the strength or the confidence, and most of the time it’s just a lot of hard work.  But…rejoice…remember…hope…you have the kingdom of heaven which means I am with you, I will help you and I am making it all into a beautiful tapestry of glory.

Isn’t that what “theirs is the kingdom of heaven” means.  God’’s kingdom at our fingertips, right by our side.  Unfortunately we misunderstand what that means and how that feels.  I don’t think it is supposed to feel that good…and certainly it doesn’t feel that comfortable.  We’d much rather feel strong and confident, yet the kingdom of God…the power that raised Jesus from the dead…the grace that brings life from death…the hope that soothes the wounds…that belongs to the poor in spirit.

If I think about it, I am much more likely to have patience with the little old man going 20 mph on the freeway in front of me, or much more able to empathize with another’s pain, even shedding tears at the sound of their pain, or much slower to anger when confronted with another’s weakness and demands when I am at the end of rope.

When I am not…when I am confident, strong, ready to conquer the world, I am much less patient, empathetic and quick to anger.

 It’s that descending into greatness that I’ve heard pastors talk about, if you want to be strong you must be weak.  If you want to be first you must be last.

And I think when we are poor in spirit, somehow all the burdens we carry start to fall from our shoulders.  We know we can’t handle them, so lay them down.

 But I really prefer to be strong.  I like packing all my responsibilities, cares, expectations, and stresses into my backpack…strap on the “what ifs” and “what does it means” as if I can take care of the future myself…and carry it all on my back.  It feels really good until my back breaks, my knees buckle, my emotions seem to run wild, and my stomach is in knots.

 Poor in Spirit. 

I think it’s what Jesus really wants from us…more than joy, more than confidence, more even than perfect assurance of our faith…He wants us poor…

at the end of ourselves…

laid out before Him…

ready to let Him fill with all things good…

to have the Kingdom of Heaven.

The Lord is my Light and my Salvation

This week kinda sucked.

I have been having some tummy issues lately and because I have a tendency to think anything different happening in my body must mean that I am dying of cancer and I've been told it's always good to be proactive in taking care of yourself, I decided to go to a gastroenterologist and have a colonoscopy.

"It's really not a big deal at all." I was told by many who have had this done before...after all 60+ year old women get them all the time...how bad could it be.

Well...let me tell you...it kinda sucked. I was pretty nervous the whole week before. And I was going to begin the colon preparation the day after Easter...so even then I didn't have much of an appetite.

If you've never had one, I don't want to scare you but here's what happened.

I began a liquid diet on Monday morning...nothing but juice, tea, soda...any clear liquid...no solid food. And at 6pm that night began drinking the colon prep stuff to clean out my colon. That's the worst part...so they say...but that part wasn't so bad. Then everything that is in your colon comes flushing out...lovely, I know. I also found out that day that I was scheduled to be the doctor's last colonoscopy of the day...1:00 pm on Tuesday. Yikes, I thought. I have to be fasting for that long?

On the morning of the procedure I drank one last dose of colon cleaning stuff...and expelled anything that could've possibly been hanging out in my colon. I was depleted to say the least.

Then I finally went to the hospital for the procedure. They checked me in, hooked me up to an IV and there I waited, in my little cubicle, for an hour and a half. I felt like a sheep waiting it's turn to be sheared. At one point, they even rolled me in and started hooking me up to oxygen, sprayed my throat with some awful numbing spray and started prepping me...only to find out they had to put me on hold again for a different patient who had to be completely sedated for his procedure and had an available anesthesiologist for only the next 30 minutes. Back they wheeled me into my stall.

I finally had my procedure done...wasn't too bad. Glory to God in the Highest... I have a clean colon and am not going to die of cancer...at least not this year.

The recovery is where the real fun began. I expected that I would bounce back pretty quickly, have my appetite back in no time and be up and taking my kids to the beach the next...finally enjoying our spring break. No such luck.

Without boring you with all the details after a day of continued diarrhea (sorry...that's probably the last detail you wanted to hear) and apparantly not drinking enough fluids...and having one of my biopsy sights start becoming infected...I found myself with a 100.1 degree temperature almost passing out in the shower, and back at the urgent care getting IV fluids and a perscription for an antibiotic.

I am sitting in bed today...three days after the procedure...feeling much better...but still slowing gaining my strength...slowly eating bland foods...and drowning myself in gatorade. Not a good time.

And if you know me well, you know...I am not good at this kind of stuff. Any kind of stomach issues...for me or my kids...puts me into anxiety mode. If one of my kids vomits...I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder for days.

So here's where the Lord comes in. I have had to...every moment of every day this week...utterly beg Him to show up. Show up with his peace and some really powerful healing. This week has been a moment by moment exercise of me handing over every fear...every what if...every stress of what the next 5 minutes...let alone the next hours and days...would have in store for me.

"What if I have to go to the hospital again?" "What if I just keep getting sicker and sicker?" "How's Craig gonna hold up under all this pressure of being nurse maid, stay at home dad, and homemaker...it's not his favorite role." "This would be the worst time ever for the kids to get sick." "What if I am still sick next week, when Craig goes back to school and I have to start homeschooling the kids again...their tests are coming up..." On and on the fears and thoughts rolled in.

It was a mental and emotional exercise that felt like running a marathon to continue handing the Lord every thought...every fear...every what if.

And He showed up...And He did what His word promises:

Psalm 31: 14 "But as for me, I trust in Thee, O Lord, (something I had to decide to do), I say 'Thou art my God.' My times are in Thy hand."

Psalm 30:2 "O Lord my God, I cried to Thee for help, and Thou didst heal me."

I read, in my devotional, "Jesus Calling", by Sarah Young the following words:

"You are mine for all time; nothing can separate you from My Love." "I designed you to depend on me moment by moment, recognizing that apart from Me you can do nothing." "Seek my face...although this is an invisible transaction, it speaks volumes in spiritual realms."

At one point yesterday...I was trying to just close my eyes and rest. Every thought or picture that entered my head...whether it was about me, my life, or even the latest events in the news...the Trayvon Martin killing...Anne Romney being dissed by a liberal talking head...I could find no peace. And every thought forced me to verbally calling on Jesus to come, take this burden, take this one too. I felt the Lord leading me to read Psalm 27 and here's what I found:

"The Lord is my Light and my Salvation; Whom shall I fear?" It was like balm on my heart and brought me to tears. I could physically feel my tummy loosen, and a wave of peace.

He is my Light. Every bit of darkness in me...and believe me there's a lot...can be infused, transformed, conquered by the presence of His light.

He is my Salvation. Not the doctors, not the IV fluids, not the antibiotic, not the right foods...but Him alone.

The lesson didn't stop there. The Lord is Craig's Light and Salvation...not me. I am not responsible for him, his happiness, his growth, anything about him...I am not His life...burden off my shoulders.

The Lord is Jake's Light and Salvation...not me. I am not the one who will grow him, mature him, fix what needs fixing, open doors for him, plan his future...the Lord does all that...another burden off my shoulders.

The Lord is Carly's Light and Salvation...not me. I am not the one who will mold her character, draw her closer to the Lord, map out her future...He is. Burden off my shoulders.

It's amazing the power of one little verse. A verse I have read nearly a hundred times. A verse I know by heart...yet in times of darkness, and fear, and an upset colon...it teaches a phenomenal truth.

He is my Light. I can call on his light to shine whenever a dark patch comes over me. His Light can bring healing, comfort, peace. He is the one who Saves. He holds me close when I am scared, He draws me to the comfort and the protection of the shadow of his wings.

I read some more:

"The Lord is the defense of my life; Whom (or what) shall I dread? When evil doers came upon me to devour my flesh (the enemy can try to use anything to devour us...even a colonoscopy and tough recovery), My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell. Though a host encamp against me (a host of thoughts, fears, nonsense coming out of the television), My heart will not fear (not that the fear doesn't come, but that I won't indulge it...I'll turn it completely...over and over to Him) Though war arise against me, In spite of this, I shall be confident." verses 2-3.

And how can I be confident? I drew and arrow from that sentence back up to the first sentence of verse one: "The Lord is my Light and my Salvation"

So that's it. That's the week I've had. I know I haven't conquered all of this in full...I am...even as I type...handing over the thoughts and fears, moment by moment still...but this I am sure of (and really that's all we can hold onto in times like this...what we're sure of and know is absolutely true and can never be taken away):

The Lord is my Light and my Salvation...whom shall I fear?

Some thoughts on being a Christian

Alright....here it is:

Our Christian walk is not about us. It's not measured by how we feel...if we felt joy today then we walked closely with the Lord, if we were pissed and afraid, then we were far away from Him and not walking with Him. That's the heresy..plain and simple.

It's about loving others. It's about are we living the righteous path not because we are joyful and feel like it but because...what else are we gonna do...are we loving others and meeting them in their need with love and tenderness so that they can feel the hands of Jesus?

That's it.

It makes me think of how C.S. Lewis said, "I don't think God is particularly concerned with our happiness. What He really wants is for us to grow up! He wants us to love and be loved."

So if that's true, then He would never measure our closeness with Him based on our joy.


I do think that when we get to really dark places, we need to cling to Him...pursue Him...His word...others who will not try to fix but will bring us to His lap by just rubbing our head and saying, "Me too."...because while He uses those dark places...He would never want darkness to control us.

The discipline of going to Him when we're dark is where Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts" comes in...naming the gifts, slowing the moments, remembering who He is. But I think the biggest mistake that many Christians make is that she thinks trust and clinging to God looks like joy and feeling good.


In my life, the closest I ever felt to Him is when I am just plain desperate for Him...I can't eat enough of His word, cause it's the only way to get the darkness to back off...and I cry and pray and try to remind myself of who He is...but it aint fun and it sure aint what I would call joy. On the contrary, when I am light-hearted, feeling easy going...lots o stuff going well...that's when I may be farthest from Him.

Funny.

I think those lovely old women at CBS who greet me each week with a warm hug, though they've never met me, may know the secret balance of the Christian walk. Remembering it's not about them...it's about Him.